When *Not* To Have A Threesome: The Bisexual Edition
Being invited to join a threesome is a flattering and exciting experience. It can be exhilarating and super hot, or it can be the most awkward situation you’ll ever find yourself in. Because it’s — well — sex. And sex is notorious for being all those things, often all at once.
But because there’s this kind of taboo hush around group sex in general, there aren’t many clear guidelines about what to look out for, or when to decline an offer. This especially goes for us bi ladies, who are assumed to always be down for a good time.
No matter your sexual preferences, you need to make sure you are making safe, emotionally honest, and consensual choices. In that spirit, here are six times to not have a threesome:
1. You have been unicorn hunted
Being unicorn hunted is an interesting experience. On the one hand, being approached by a strange couple and intentionally groomed for an evening is a very ego-boosting experience. “We’re both really into you,” is a great thing for anyone to hear, especially if you’re also into both of them. And if that’s what you came to this bar for, go for it!
On the other hand, if you don’t know the couple, it can feel very objectifying and reek of false intentions. Because chances are, they made a strategic plan to have a threesome tonight, and you are simply an item on their checklist. Not to mention, if they’re picking up strangers in public, they’re either serial unicorn hunters or newbies, and both kinds can have baggage attached. Maybe say you’re interested, but would like to go on a date with them first.
2. You want to please your partner
Since coming out, I have not been with a single person who didn’t ask me for a threesome at some point in our relationship. If you’re anything like me, you’ve just taken to expecting it will come up. And for some people that works really well. More power to you!
However, if you’re feeling pressured, or are going along just because you want your partner to be happy, hold off. It still is your body, and you still can choose to say no. Believe me, I’ve been on both sides of this issue (as part of the couple and as the third member) and unless all three people are super into it, it’s not going to be a fun time for anyone.
3. You are only attracted to one of them
I’m guilty of this: I had a mild crush on an acquaintance and we had shared a few flirty moments. When he finally asked me out, he brought his girlfriend along and they ended up propositioning me. I went along with it, in large part because I just wanted to see what having sex with him would feel like.
Not only is this unfair to the other person, it is also emotionally dishonest. Yes, there’s probably always going to be one person you’re into a bit more, one person you feel more of a spark with. That’s natural. Just make sure you aren’t using someone in order to have sex with someone else.
4. You sense a power imbalance
Managing power dynamics between three people is always going to be a little bit tricky. There will be leaders and followers, tops and bottoms, doms and subs, etc. If everyone waited for someone else to make the first move, nothing would ever happen!
But keep an eye out for power imbalances (implicit ones, not ones you have agreed on for the purposes of play). One person might be feeling reluctant and is being dragged along by their partner, which gets into considerations about consent. Or you could find yourself in the middle of a competition for your attention/body, which could get uncomfortable pretty quickly. If you can pick up on any kind of power imbalance when you’re talking with them, pass on going home with them.
5. You haven’t discussed what happens next
One night stands are always kind of complicated. Do you leave after sex? Early the next morning? Do you stay for breakfast? Are you going to see them again? These considerations don’t go away when you have a threesome, so it’s best to make sure you know what you’re walking into before agreeing to go home with a couple.
Some couples have a strict one-night policy. They’re in it for the experience, but don’t want any kind of relationship with you afterwards. Others will expect you to join them and become a triad, which can be awkward if you weren’t expecting to enter into a relationship with two new S.O.’s. It is important to get an idea of where this threesome is going before taking the plunge. And if they haven’t thought about it, chances are things will get messy pretty quick (and not the good kind of messy).
6. You are told that’s just what bisexual people do
But I’ve also discovered something about myself: just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I instantly want a threesome. I don’t find myself any more “naturally inclined” to group sex than anyone else, and while I will cut loose on occasion, it’s not something I particularly need.
This is a really hard thing for a lot of other people to grasp. Straight people (especially straight men) have been flooded with pornographic images of bisexual girls having threesomes. Other queer people assume that we are the sluts of the community and so of course want all the sex we can get. Meanwhile, my monogamous-ass bi self has been deflecting unicorn hunters on a semi-regular basis since before I officially came out.
If you’re being told that you should have a threesome “because you’re bi,” that’s a really good sign you shouldn’t have sex with those people. They aren’t respecting your sexual agency or your individual preferences, they are lumping you into a stereotype for their own benefit. And that’s not sexy.
